Jane versus Kelly
As odd as these types of things are, I thought about Kelly while I was pushing the carts this afternoon and minutes later she was saying hello to me. When Jane asked me the other day why I gave her my company gift care I told her I had a long history of being generous. Kelly could be the poster child to this fact because I have been treating her to things she wants for many years, the only thing I don’t want is more than a casual acquaintance with her. I could never see myself continuing my correspondence with cashier Jane outside of work anymore than I could talk to Kelly comfortably outside of the gym.
When I met Kelly some 8 years ago it was in the weight room and I was talking to Jane at the convenience store in Spanish. Kelly has had South American roommates since I can remember so the language got her to speak to me. We became friendlier towards each other as the years progressed since we saw each other every single day at the gym. We would spend hours lifting weights together and talking about nothing or sometimes about her boyfriend (my boyfriend made my ass bleed again last night with anal sex she often told me). She always had some sort of boyfriend and this is where things ended with me and Kelly 3 years ago. She was going through a terrible break-up and her father had recently killed himself so Kelly needed me in a way that I am useless to people. I have spent 99% of my life alone and I am not good with people. I prefer to study people than to be involved with them, books over people, is what I say. Now that Kelly has found me at the grocery store she is mad that I wont befriend her. “When you did not call me back I thought you were mad at me,” she said today. As usual we stood in the 113 degree talking politics and before I knew it 30 minutes had passed. She does have good head on her shoulders but honestly saying she is not my type, I am no one’s type. I am an angry loner who is ‘functional alcoholic’.
When Jane the cashier questioned my actions about giving her nice things I told her about Kelly but as with most women they don’t understand accepting things without reason (or holding it against them later). “I think you are trying to get into my pants,” Jane said last week. Jane has a boyfriend as well and he works in the store. He has never said hello to me ever and I can tell he is afraid that I might take Jane away from him. People in the store have asked me why I am not dating Jane and I usually ignore it. I did not feel like speaking to Jane beyond a simple hello today when I started my shift. “I finally felt comfortable enough with that gift card you gave me last week to buy these chips and water,” Jane said. “I was wondering how long you were going to hold onto and if you were going to give it back to me. There was something about my being nice to you that you question always and I was hoping you would get past that this time.” Although I did not speak to her all day on my way out I bought her favorite tea and placed it under hear register. You should have seen the smile 99 cents put on her pale face.
I don’t know what it is in me that makes me need to feel useful to some women but not to others. I have been this way my whole life and when I have money to burn I give to a lot more people. Kelly got a new Ipod on her birthday from me every year and expensive running shoes. I never let her mention it afterwards because to me it was not a big deal. I knew she did not have the money to buy herself nice things, the same way that I know Jane does not have much either. It is this deep need to provide a service to them without expecting anything in return because I like doing unexpected things for people. At the end of my day I would prefer to have less money in my pocket but know that someone else appreciated my giving. I did not have to buy Jane anything today but she is always so perky and sweet to the whole world that I felt it my duty to reward her for being a good girl. We may have our disagreements about everything in our lives but I am the only person she confides her personal business in. How many girls tell you they are having trouble going number two? On the days when we both feel well, which was not today, we can spend hours chatting with each other ignoring the customers, they really hate that. I love ignoring the stupid customers and occasionally if we are on a politic topic, a customer will add their own two cents on the subject. Jane is convinced that I am this extreme right wing republican because I am not happy poor democrat. Kelly today admired my flexing of political know-how in ways that she has never seen. About three years ago I looked at business, financial, and economics pages on CNN but I did not care too much. I was solid middle-class and nothing in my life really mattered much. Having no job since then has turned me into a ‘the system’ is broken kind of guy. I see social medical, education, and environmental reform as clear building blocks for a new America. We need to get out from the constraints of the American constitution and Christianity… and smell the fresh air once our heads’ have been pulled out of our asses. We need strong gun control less ‘wasteful’ military spending and give more people the opportunity to be middle-class and this is all possible and reasonably. This does mean that rich fucks will have to be less rich but look at the country we live in now. How is the wealthy 0.3% treat us, like cattle to line their pockets and keeping the poor, poorer than they have ever been. Today someone told me to apply for food stamps in the break room. I almost lost my shit on them, “there is no such thing as free for anything in this country, someone always has to pay.”